Tired of being alone? Feeling too shy and insecure? Can’t compete in the bar & nightclub scene? You’ve tried everything…the ten sure-fire pick-up lines, mail-order pheromones that “turn you into a sexual magnet,” and how to pick up girls at the supermarket (“Excuse me…. can you help me select some chicken—I need a couple of big breasts.”). None of it worked, right? And you feel like a total loser. Buck up my friend. The secret is available. Using century-old techniques of haiku, you will learn how to heighten your awareness, choose just the right words, and achieve that ah-ha moment with the lover of your choice. In 5 easy lessons, you’ll understand and employ the Haiku Way, which will shatter the barriers that hold you back and allow you to attract more hot women than you can handle. Bet you’re thinking that this proven program will cost thousands of dollars. You’re wrong! It won’t even cost $1,000. For two payments of $89.95 you will learn how to write haiku and immediately begin attracting super-model babes. (Note: A parallel program, Haiku Attracts Hot Men, is also available!)
O.K., so the above has never turned out to be one of best get-rich-quick schemes I ever concocted. But I still fantasize about the power of haiku to attract the opposite sex. When I was much younger I started writing free verse poetry as a means of expressing myself and to show girls how cool I was with the objective of wooing them into my arms and the back seat of my 1974 Ford Mustang. At least that was the idea. I plied all my poetic mojo on my cute adorable wife who then was my cute adorable girlfriend. I crafted dozens of love poems filled with yearning, lust, and adoration and would present them to my cutie anticipating she would swoon and collapse into me. When I didn’t achieve the desired response, I’d write a new poem. She expressed appreciation for my efforts, but I always felt like I’d been missing the mark. Years later, after being married for a spell, I asked what she thought of all my love poetry. She said something like she thought it was immensely sweet of me to write all the poems and likes that I’m a poet, but she doesn’t understand poetry and doesn’t like reading it. Splat! I felt like the plump, happy bug flying merrily along on a bright sunny day when it hits the windshield of a speeding 18-wheeler. So, if longer poems can have questionable effects in charming the affections of another, it may be expecting too much from a laser focused haiku.